Just For Ranting

RamblingSimon Rants About: Gay Animals

2009-04-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

While most people worry about if the homosexual community will be given the right to marriage in the United States or if God will lay down His Almighty Judgement first, there are some who are noticing deeper threats to the natural balance. Just ask Michal Grzes.

A recent Reuters article states that Grzes, a Polish politician, has criticized his local zoo about an elephant it had gotten. Not just any old elephant. This one is a GAY elephant.

Ninio, the 10-Year Old Elephant who's been ousted from the closet, was acquired to mate with the female elephants. Unfortunately, Ninio's trunk doesn't swing that way. Grzes told reports last Friday, "We didn't pay 37 million zlotys (7.6 million pounds) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there."

It's quite true, really. Many zoos typically operate under a type of "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" policy, much like the military and Equal Housing Lenders. Some zoo keepers will debate, however, that homosexuality is not the same in animals as it is in humans. According to crazy zoologists, elephants will engage in same-sex activities, such as mounting, as a way of showing companionship. That it shows a bond between the two elephants. Sounds pretty gay to me.

I applaud Grzes for bringing this issue to the forefront. While this doesn't pose an issue for the ignorant masses, let me just ask you one thing: What is the American Dream?

The answer should be quite simple: A spouse, two or three children, a nice two-story home, a white picket fence, and a dog to watch over everyone. Now, imagine that vision crumbling. Why?

This. Your dog has caught 'The Gay'. Animal homosexuality will turn sour for the American family. How can we have our kids be around such a negative influence without them turning out just as bad? In fact, how can we let our straight dogs into dog parks if liberals are bringing their gay dogs to play? Poor, innocent Rover will get violated by Fufu. Rover will start to develop a lisp in his bark and will want to wear a cute bandana everytime he gets a haircut.

As 'The Gay' spreads, more and more neighborhoods will see a rise in this kind of behavior. The family unit will fall apart, and the United States will be doomed, all because of gay influence from animals. If it weren't for heroes like Grzes, we wouldn't have a means to tell animals it's not okay to have a choice in what makes you happy, unless the choice is 'conformity'.

RamblingSimon Rants About: Moving To Canada

2008-11-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

I'm certainly not the first one to rant about this. In fact, 'Stuff White People Like' did earlier this year.

With the election going to Obama for the presidency and the Democrats for both the House and Senate majorities, Republican supporters have had a bad week. Sure, there's always the Palin ticket 4 years from now, but that's such a long time for them to sit around while the Democrats drive this country into the ground. So, what can they do until it's time to vote again?

The solution: MOVE TO CANADA!

Yes, our Mountee neighbors to the north will be the Promise Land for the sore losers--I mean, those that were upset by how the election turned out. But one question to ask is this: "Why Canada?"

I mean, as stupid as moving into a new region because of government leaders sounds, it doesn't make much sense this time around. I kinda understood it when Democrats were bitching about President Bush, but with the tables turning against the Republican party's favor, it seems a small number of them are picking up where the Democrats left off.

Now, for those that don't have any clue of my view on humanity is, it's this: people are uneducated and stupid. For a brief moment, let's look at where Canada stands on some key issues...

Taxes: In Canada, the federal Sales Tax, also known as the Goods and Services Tax, is 5%. However, there is also in some provinces called the Provincial Sales Tax, which ranges from 0% (Alberta) to 10% (Prince Edward Island). The two combined, known as the Harmonized Sales Tax, is on average almost 12% on most goods and services purchased.
Same-Sex Marriage: In July 2005, Canada legalized same-sex marriages, with the Civil Marriage Act, becoming the fourth country to do so. Between June 2003 (when Ontario legalized it) and October 2006, there were over 12,000 same-sex marriages contracted in Canada.
Marijuana: Medical use of cannibis is legal in Canada. Cultivation is also allowed by those who use medical marijuana. A poll taken in 2008 estimates that over half of Canada is for the legalization of marijuana. The legal status differs between different sections of Canada, but it seems that it is mostly tolerated.
Abortion: While some non-legal obstacles exists, Canada is one of the few nations that has no legal regulations on abortion. Provinces have control over accessibility and policies.
Health Care: Universal health care system (Health care is publically funded).

For the most part, these policies go against the GOP typical platform. Even the death penalty was removed in the 1960s (sorry, Texas). In the end, conservative America needs to find a new Haven, one that makes them sound less stupid when they bitch the next time their candidate loses.

RamblingSimon Rants About: The Afterlife

2008-09-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

The idea of Heaven and Hell recently has made me think that they aren't so great. Really, they are waaay too extreme.

On one side, you have Hell, the home of all the sinners. This place is a house of pain, suffering, brimstone, fire, demons, and the guy who shot John Lennon. Not all to pleasant. No, this is the worst of the worst.

Of course, Hell is supposed to be portrayed like that. It's supposed to be the least fun you'll ever have, so it makes Heaven look better. But really, it doesn't seem all that great to me. If you think about it, Heaven is a place reserved for all the religious right-doers of the world that give to charity and don't kill homeless people. That still permits plenty of people. Still, from a societal standpoint, not all the people are favorable.

Westboro, for instance. Baptist community. Very religious. Bunch of crazies. Having to share Heaven with this group alone dissuades me from living a righteous life. I'll take red pitchforks to the back if it means not listening to this group.

Even if God was a sensible creature and banished the lot of them to the BOTTOM OF A VOLCANO, you still have all the other people that annoy you during your everyday life. Maybe it's just me, though. I usually have problems dealing with obnoxious people, and arrogant belief-pushers that will spend the rest of eternity gloating about how THEIR VIEWS on the afterlife were right on the money would get on my nerves pretty quick.

It's really the whole concept about Absolute Utopia vs. Absolute Distopia that, in the end, disturbs me. Neither of those options sound good to me! I'd rather settle for a middle ground than a perfect world. Occasional turmoil in everyday life spices things up. Where's the fun in everything being great ALWAYS?

I guess we could always be ghosts and haunt stuff. That'd be cool, too...

RamblingSimon Rants About: What Mythbusters SHOULD Do...

2008-08-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

The myth that they should bust would require millions of dollars in investment, a plot of land in the middle of nowhere, a large airplane, and a few years of construction time. The goal would be to construct a large building, roughly 1300ft in height (I'm sure you could work with a building half the size, but stay with me).

The goal would be to answer conspiracy theorists questions for the last 7 years and recreate the events of September 11th via simulation. The team would evaluate observations from a simulated plane crash and compare it to footage that we have of the World Trade Center. The data that would need to be gathered would be based on the outcome of both the plane's impact, the structural integrity, and the collapse of the building itself.

You could even liven it up a little! Throw Buster in the cockpit...or, better yet, Auto, from the movie, 'Airplane!'

Of course, a team would NEVER do this, due to financial and ethical reasons, but it would answer the question of if the collapse of the building was secretly a controlled demolition, or if a building actually would fall like that it did if you rammed a Boeing 747 up it's ass...

RamblingSimon Talks About: Summer Blockbusters '08

2008-05-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

Another Summer, another reason to pony up cash at the local cinema (not to mention outrageous prices at the concession stands). This year is going to be pretty interesting, compared to last year's Sequel-fest. There's a lot of interesting films making their way to theaters this Summer, (unfortunately, some that I'm looking forward to don't look like they'll be making their way to my small town in the middle of nowhere). So here's a list of a few movies being released this season that I think deserve some mention [Summaries courtesy of IMBD.com]...

Son of Rambow (5/2):

[Set on a long English summer in the early 80's, Son Of Rambow is a comedy about friendship, faith and the weird business of growing up.]

Ok, so this film already came out earlier this month. I saw the trailer for this a few months back and thought it looked really cool. It's these kinda unpopular kids who see 'First Blood' and want to make their own sequel to the movie, and they start getting more recognition by their peers. Seems pretty feel-goodish.

The Tracey Fragments (5/9):

[15-year-old Tracey Berkowitz is naked under a shower curtain at the back of a bus, looking for her little brother Sonny, who thinks he's a dog.]

It's sad to see a movie that looks promising getting bad reviews from critics. Ellen Page plays Tracey in a movie that looks very dark, and quite original.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (5/23):

[Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.]

Soviets instead of Nazis? WTF?! I was not looking forward to this movie, but my love for Raiders of the Lost Ark, along with liking Shia LeBeouf as an actor, is going to drag me to seeing this movie in the end.

War, Inc. (5/23):

John Cusack takes what works for him in his typical love story movies, and uses the setting of a Middle East nation, as Cusack plays an assassin hired to kill an oil minister. It looks absolutely ridiculous and Hillary Duff plays a sexy Middle Eastern pop idol. What's not to love?!

The Happening (6/13):

[A paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity.]

Marky Mark takes lead in this M. Night Shyamalan film about a mysterious phenomenon causing people to kill themselves. Looks spooky, and loads of fun! A GUY FALLS IN FRONT OF A COMBINE HARVESTER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

The Incredible Hulk (6/13):

This is a title I'm unsure about. I'm not a fan of The Hulk, but a total do-over of Marvel's 2003 crapfest is a plus. That, and I have a slight man-crush for Edward Norton. >_>

Get Smart (6/20):

[Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 for CONTROL, battles the forces of KAOS with the more-competent Agent 99 at his side.]

I remember watching this show on TV Land. It was like James Bond, if Mel Brooks put his spin on it. Actually...that's really what the show was: Mel Brooks' take on secret agents. The movie has Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway. Should be a good combo.

Wall-E (6/27):

[The year is 2700. WALL*E, a robot, spends every day doing what he was made for. But soon, he will discover what he was meant for.]

Pixar. Need I say more?

Wanted (6/27):

["Wanted" tells the tale of one apathetic nobody's transformation into an unparalleled enforcer of justice...]

Over-the-top action movie with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Funny thing is James McAvoy, the nobody in the movie, is practically one in real life. This movie could be promising for his career.

Hancock (7/4):

[A hard-living superhero who has fallen out of favor with the public enters into a questionable relationship with the wife of the public relations professional who's trying to repair his image.]

A washed-up superhero movie? Sounds intriguing. I'm still iffy about how the movie will be, but the concept itself sounds cool enough...

The Dark Knight (7/18):

[Batman and James Gordon join forces with Gotham's new District Attorney, Harvey Dent, to take on a psychotic bank robber known as The Joker, whilst other forces plot against them, and Joker's crimes grow more and more deadly.]

I'm a little ashamed by the fact that I didn't even have to look up the release date for this movie. I've been waiting for July 18th to get here for so long! If you can't tell, I'm really anticipating this film! It'll be amazing!

Midnight Meat Train (8/1):

New York photographer stakes out a serial killer who kills his victims on trains at night. Seems like a good thriller movie to me.

The Pineapple Express (8/8):

[A stoner and his dealer are forced to go on the run from the police after the pothead witnesses a cop commit a murder.]

Stoner Flick with Seth Rogen and James Franco. Not a movie for the intellectual mind, but if you can dumb it down for a couple hours, it seems like it could be funny.

Tropic Thunder (8/15):

[Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to become the soldiers they are portraying.]

Big 'Apocalypse Now'-type movie being filmed, actors (Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downy Jr. (who undergoes cosmetic surgery in the film to play the black role)) get involved in actual warfare situations, but think they are in a controlled environment. Zoolander meets Hollywood.

Hamlet 2 (8/22):

[In this irreverent comedy, a failed actor-turned-worse-high-school-drama teacher (Coogan) rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages a politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare's Hamlet.]

Silly business. Nothing more.

A good list of films, plus many more coming out if you none of these picks interest you. Enjoy your Summer at the movies!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Michael Hollick

2008-05-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

In the New York Times yesterday, they had this article about Michael Hollick, the voice actor for Niko Bellic, the lead character in the new Grand Theft Auto 4 video game by Rockstar Games.

Because I know nobody and their nonexistent grandmother's are going to click that link and read it for themselves, let me just summarize it. In a nutshell, Michael Hollick got paid $100,000 for his role for 20 weeks of work. Now that the game has grossed over $600 million in the last three weeks, Hollick and other voice actors from the game are coming out to express how upset they are over the fact that they are getting no residuals or royalties from this boom.

For once, I'm not siding with the little guy here. I'm fearing the worst: I might be becoming conservative and pro-big business.

There was no way of determining the commercial success of the game over a year ago when contracts were drawn up. Had the game sales been mediocre, Hollick probably wouldn't have his panties up in a bunch about this. Instead, he's like every other greedy bastard out there who wants another buck. The guy got ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for talking! I make $7.50 an hour serving food to the general public! No sympathies here. They all signed contracts saying they'd get paid this much a day and not make royalties or residuals. It should have been negotiated beforehand.

Yes, the game is worth much more than $100,000 and had they predicted such huge turnouts he should've been paid more, but that's just it: that's indeterminable! Now that it's a huge success, you can't expect Rockstar Games to willingly pass out free money to voice actors. Yes, some of the money goes into undeserving corporate pockets, but most of that money goes into research and development, to make bigger and better games so corporate pockets can be filled again LATER! Gotta think long-run in that industry...

I'm aware that voice actors do get screwed over in their business, but I also enjoyed Grand Theft Auto 3, when the main protagonist was SILENT. I have yet to play GTA4, but unless his voice is like a gift from the heaven's, I'm doubting it was extremely important to have it, minus making it easier to progress through the game's main storyline. Voice actors are good to have, but they DO NOT play as integral of role to the game as elements such as gameplay and graphics.

This is NOT a personal attack on Michael Hollick or any of the other voice actors. I agree they got screwed over, considering the success of the game, but their contract said nothing about residuals. It sucks, but you guys signed it. Even if it couldn't be negotiated, do you REALLY need more than $100,000, Mr. Hollick?

RamblingSimon Rants About: Relationships

2008-04-13T05:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's not truly about 'relationships'. I'm not that much of an angsty, cold-hearted bastard to be claiming that relationships are stupid/shallow/designed to fill the needs of the individual/unnecessary...

Alight, I am enough of a bastard to claim that, but my true rant isn't about that. I'm really here to discuss an important matter that most girls need to learn: GET OVER YOUR GODDAMN EX-BOYFRIENDS!!!

In the last week, I've ran into not one, not two, but THREE girls who got dumped. Terribly sorry for them; being dumped does suck. However, these girls have been utterly depressed since their breakups. Now, at this point, you must be thinking, "RamblingSimon, you villainous twit! Are you saying these poor girls shouldn't be down-in-the-dumps from being dumped?!"

My response to it is that typically, these girls should have been allowed by me to be mopey and whiny and then find a shoulder for emotional support, but none of these three deserve the opportunity.

Focusing on two of the people, my managers at where I work, they got into big fights with their boyfriends and then the boyfriend split ON THE SAME WEEKEND! It's quite a tear-jerker, since they have been dating them for years. The part that boggles my mind is that BOTH OF THESE GIRLS bitched constantly about their boyfriends' douchebaggery for as long as I've worked with the two, and now the two girls can't sleep or eat. I've met one of the girls' boyfriend. He's a societal reject with pink hair, black clothes, no job, and bums money off my manager to support his drug habits. He ended up calling her one night and saying that he was with some other woman in their house. Her first reaction was that she wanted to kill.

Good instinct to have. Unfortunately, all of her anger was, for some reason, set upon the girl that was "coming to their house and stealing her man". How the fuck can someone's mind be warped enough to not feel angry at the guy who's used and abused you for years and tossed you aside for some piece of ass with three children?! Are both of these women just so psychologically fucked up that they need a complete asshole to run and dictate their lives?

Really, move on with your lives. It didn't work out. I know you think the guy is a sweetheart somewhere deep down, but if all of your friends are telling you that the guy is a no good loser, I'm not typically fond of masses of people trying to sway my opinion, but this might be one of those times that you should listen since your brain has turned to creamed corn.

RamblingSimon Reviews: Life is Beautiful

2008-03-27T21:11:00.000-07:00

For the longest time, this space has been used to show off my cynicism, my hatred for mankind, and my snobbish witty bastard side. I guess all good things do come to an end...

Don't worry, this post is the only thing being altered, not my oh-so-lovable personality or future rants. The reason this change is taking place is because tonight I saw the 1997 Italian film 'Life is Beautiful'. I was naturally skeptical when my roommate told me of this wonderful Holocaust film, mostly because he's a hardcore indie pop fan, rendering his opinion utterly useless. However, when I actually watched the film, something amazing happened...

I couldn't find anything to really hate about the film!

The first half of the film takes place in Italy in the beginning stages of WWII, focusing on Guido Orefice (Roberto Benigni - Oscar for Best Actor for said role), a Jewish man who moves into the city to open up a bookstore. On numerous occasions, he encounters a woman named Dora (Nicoletta Braschi), whom he admits his love for, but finds out at a big reception that she is to be wed. The first half of the film becomes a very slapstick romantic comedy of Guido trying to win over Dora, usually with amazingly clever ploys and expert timing.

The second half of the film takes place years later, when Guido and Dora have a son together, Joshua (Giorgio Cantarini), whom is about five years old at the time. Dora comes home on her son's birthday to discover Guido and Joshua were taken away to the concentration camps. Unlike most Holocaust films, this one takes a completely different angle with how the story is told inside the camps. The entire time Guido and Joshua are in the camp, Guido continuously makes up stories to protect his son from the hellish truth that they could be killed off at any moment. Guido's quick-wit explanations to Joshua, such as telling him they are playing a game and can win a brand new tank if they earn enough points by doing certain tasks, keeps the audience feeling that even the most depressing scenario can be happy and uplifting.

I might still be on the buzz from the experience, but I think that this is by far the best movie I have seen in the last year. The ending leaves you experiencing a range of emotions, but ultimately satisfied.

Let's put this simply: if you enjoy watching films at all, this is a must-see.

4.5/5

And just so I can be a bastard one last time: the film is in Italian, so there are subtitles, unless, of course, you watch it dubbed. However, if you are not a fan of subtitles or prefer an English dub to watch a film, I think you suck as a human being and deserve to be shot out of a cannon and into a brick wall at point-blank range.

RamblingSimon Rants About: The Person I Hate

2007-12-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

Today, my hatred for one person has grown significantly.

Before moving off to college, I can honestly say I have never hated anyone. I've found people to be arrogant, annoying, rude, lazy, and make choices I didn't agree with, but, at most, I've only somewhat disliked them.

When I moved off to college, I met someone on my floor who I could not bare to tolerate. At first, she was okay, but since my roommate liked her, I had to hang around her more. One night, we ended up playing basketball together, and she just drove me absolutely nuts to the point that I had to walk away, else I would headbutt the sidewalk to ease the pain her voice caused my ears.

Since that point, I've never been able to say a nice thing about her. I'm pretty civil around her, but I've been known to subtly make comments that translate into, "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!"

A lot of this has subsided, but today, her Facebook status of her being sad because she chose friends who don't drink...it makes me hate her even more for caring about something so trivial over her friendships. It seems so superficial to me, really. She has no respect for her friends and their choices. It really bothers me.

Maybe it's a bit mean to hate people. Maybe 'hate' is too strong of word. I mean, it's not like I would feel better if something happened to her. I would probably show the same amount of sympathy as I would anyone else. Being around her just drives me crazy. She's unfunny, unintelligent, annoying, brutal on my ears and...just plain dull. Every time she opens her mouth, I want to stick something in it just so nothing can come out of it to make me think, "does she even listen to the things that she says?!" I'd hate her less if she had a redeeming quality.

Still looking for that...

RamblingSimon Rants About: How to Spot a Zombie

2007-10-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

In today’s world, zombies, also referred to, in some cases, as “The Living Dead”, are a problematic group for the human race, both in regards to an individual’s safety and the functionality of an entire society. A zombie comes into existence when a recently deceased person is brought back to life in the original body, although the means in which this is done is not entirely determined. What has been concluded from decades of research, however, is that these creatures are violent and hazardous to human life. Since zombies are reanimated human corpses, differentiating a living person and a member the living dead can be difficult sometimes. Thankfully, there are telltale signs that help distinguish if a human is really a zombie, many of which that have come to light for many people thanks to the films of zombie documenters such as George A. Romero.

The behavior of a zombie is very distinctive. Members of the living dead are known to be very aggressive, which has been cited in nearly every documentary covering the subject, such as Romero’s informative film, “Night of the Living Dead”. These creatures have an undying tendency to hunt for human flesh and brains. Rather than satisfying hunger, the reasoning for this seems to stem from more primitive instincts. The mind of a zombie seems to focus only on the hunt, losing all recollection of its former life, personality, and memories. It also seems to forget how to complete simple tasks. A common example is as basic as opening a door, which is replaced with the action of constant banging, hoping that instead, the door will break down or open automatically. As a zombie outbreak commences, zombies tend to only work individually at hunting down innocent bystanders. As time progresses, and more people become zombies (almost at an exponential rate), the zombies will start grouping together to form large hordes. The hordes, however, lack teamwork, and the zombies continue to work at an individual level.

One of the best ways to tell if someone is actually a zombie is to merely look at the person. No matter how long ago the person ‘changed over’, there are key elements in appearance that give the zombie away. One of the first noticeable changes is in the facial region. Members of the undead tend to show an expression depicted as “vacant, with a hint of sadness” in the 2004 mock-documentary film, “Shaun of the Dead”, noted in many cases due to a lack of conscious thought. Zombies also tend to have a change in eye color, going from normal pigmentation of the pupils to a more glassed-over look, to the point where the eyeball seems almost transparent. In overall appearance, a zombie will tend to look like a fresh human corpse, since, essentially, it is one. A zombie will also typically appear to be untidy and scruffy, as seen on their own clothing, stained mainly in dirt or the blood of their victims.

One issue of that has stereotyped the undead for years is their movement capabilities. Since the 1960’s and 70’s, with the release of Romero’s four documentaries over the living dead, it has been highly believed that all zombies are very sluggish and would only gain a small burst of energy when lunging at its human prey. Since then, however, there have been new citations that have proven this claim to be untrue. In 1983, the undead were shown to be able to move rhythmically and in perfect choreography with each other in the 14-minute mini-film, ‘Thriller’. In 2004, Zack Snyder released his own documentary, ‘Dawn of the Dead’. The zombies depicted in the film shared many elements that were cited in many of the early ‘Romero Zombies’. The one highly noticeable difference, however, was the zombies caught on camera in this film were far from ‘sluggish’. These zombies were capable of running long distances to catch up with their victims. A sort of evolution took place for the walking dead since the 1960’s and 70’s, almost as if they were trying to catch up with today’s fast-paced society.

The zombie menace could strike at any moment. They could already be among us. Being able to tell the difference between friend and foe is the best way to survive the outbreak. Knowing what the enemy looks and acts like is a key element to staying alive. The best ammunition in this case is knowledge.

RamblingSimon Rants About: The Flying Car

2007-08-16T17:31:00.002-07:00

Flight - the dream of any land dweller with an active imagination on a beautiful Saturday afternoon just staring at the blue sky, watching the birds go by, wanting to go where no man has gone before...well, go where Icarus had gone, but not melt your wax wings and plummet to Earth.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a flying car!?! To be able to fly yourself? To be able to not feel the limitations that gravity has on you? To look like a total badass hovering above the ground as you pass everyone stuck in a traffic jam on the express lane?

Too bad. I'm here to crush your childhood fantasies.

It'd be nice to own one of these luxuries, but let us think realistically for one moment. First, safety. Now, I can guess that at least one or two of my readers have been in a motor vehicle on the road before. Just a hunch. Anyways, we are always told to drive defensively. You know why? It's because you are supposed to assume that everyone around you is a terrible driver. If you make an hour commute every single day, you are almost guaranteed actually spotting one of these people. People are naturally stupid and irresponsible. Give a person a new axis to roam on and you are giving the bad drivers the upperhand to kill. Get a drunk teen in a flying car, the kid is gonna wind up in the second story of someone's home. Nobody's going to be safe.

Secondly, regulation. Pretty much, you are putting the public on free roam. How can you possibly keep order without a systematic approach to keeping the airway in check? It works for airlines because flights can easily schedule when they are coming and going. A metropolitan area, on the other hand, would be a bit trickier. By rush hour, everyone is trying to travel and there's no way you can get from Point A to Point B without a case of Flying Rage.

Lastly, cost. Let's ring up the bill, shall we? A flying car would prolly cost around $100k when first made 'AFFORDABLE' to the general public. After that, you have to buy fuel, which it would use more of to propel it vertically, and at a much faster rate than a standard automobile. These are only DIRECT costs! Don't forget you are still a taxpayer who owes the federal government money to be able to regulate air transportation with new construction and outfitting the police force with both ground and air vehicles.

Yeah, reality sucks. Let's go back to what we were thinking of...

Ahh....

RamblingSimon Rants About: Prostitution

2007-08-16T17:31:00.001-07:00

We all know of that infamous street within about an hour of our homes that we always mention in jokes about penny-whores and the ways a person could spend a paycheck. For me, Division St. in Grand Rapids is that special place. Unfortunately, I've been down there. I have yet to be there at night when the hookers are out, for I am white, and as a person of Caucasian descent, I have a Suburbia-type paranoia that forbids me from going into run-down urban environments after dusk.

However, I feel for those young ladies. They are seen as lowly citizens and cast aside, left only to be a slave to a pimp and a criminal to the law. What kind of living is it to have a job that is not accepted in our society? A living that isn't an honest living is not living at all, for sure! We got to help these poor women, men, and trannys out!

We must legalize and regulate prostitution!

Yes, America should follow in the footsteps of Nevada. There, prostitution is perfectly legal in counties that don't exceed a population of 500,000. It works, too! With regulations as far as getting checkups for AIDS and other types of VD, very few, if any, cases of the spread of disease has been reported.

Each state would abolish their prostitution laws and renew them with laws that contain prostitution within brothels. If you can make an establishment out of prostitution, you can TAX the clients, the prostitutes, and the employers! The government makes money when they aren't stingy, uppity assholes about everything and just tax the hell out of everything they previously deemed 'wrong'. Worked with tobacco in the 1600s in Virginia; it can work now!

There is one flaw with my plan. In the Netherlands, where it is legal to have a prostitute, you run into the problem of the employers bringing in people from outside countries to work in the brothels because they work for much less, pretty much like a sex slave. Yes, human trafficking could prove to be a problem. With the opening of jobs all over the country thanks to the new job market, employers will want to get the cheapest labor to save a pretty penny. So, they will drive for days, if necessary, to round up the only people who will take a terrible job and do it for significantly less: Mexicans. A tragedy, really...at least to those who don't have a thing for Latino women.

So please, support the Immigration Bill!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Children

2007-08-16T17:30:00.003-07:00

I like children! They are cute and funny and cuddly and make adorable noises when you poke them really hard with a pointy stick. My favorite thing about them is that they are like balls of Play-Doh; you can shape them ANY way you want! There's a problem with how easily our children can be manipulated...sissy rules!

Quite a while ago, I found an article about how the game of tag was banned in some schools in Washington. What the HELL is up with that?! Afraid our kids are gonna get scrapes and, oh no, BLEED a little? It was under the grounds that bigger kids are gonna hurt little kids...

Uhh...yeah! That's the point! Are we trying to regulate the playground to the point that the PTO and Board feel the children are truly safe when they are bubble people?! If anything, a game of tag is actually good for the little, scrawny tyke! It teaches him that the real world, much like the playground, is not filled with Socialist equality! Some are born more fortunate than others like being a foot taller and 25 pounds heavier than the rest of the class. If anything, taking away games like tag is un-American! If little Timmy gets hurt playing tag, his father should buy him a set of weights, tell him to work at getting stronger, and hope his son has the determination to overcome the obstacles and rise from bottom of the ladder to the top! That's supporting the rags-to-riches side of Capitalism: working hard to beat the odds and be successful!

In fact, we are WAAAAY too lenient on kids today. Chores like mowing the lawn and cleaning up dog puke from the carpet causes children to whine and moan. At school, they get off easy for showing disrespect and breaking rules. If anything, corporal punishment should be re-enstated! I think if a teacher feels a kid is being a pain in the ass, hit the son of a bitch! Knock the cocky bastard's ass to the ground! In fact, you remember Matilda? The Chokey should be a federally-granted torture device! You'll think twice about not turning in your homework on time!

The best way to raise our children is to strengthen and scar them. Not to make them think we are evil...they are paying for our retirement homes...but to make sure everything turns out okay. The children are our future, unfortunately; let's make sure they aren't little pansies or disrespectful hooligans!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Political Correctness

2007-08-16T17:30:00.001-07:00

Some choice words to describe 'political correctness': "Really...REALLY.....GAAAAAAAY!"

This is a movement I really HATE! Not because of it's cause. Oh, no! I believe the cause for telling people it's wrong to call somebody by a derogatory term is a VERY good thing. It serves as a check for the incredibly racist. The problem lies in the fact that the movement has stretched WAAAAAAAY too far!

One thing that really irks me during the Yule-time season is that change to "Happy Holidays"! What the fuck is that all about? Maybe I'd feel differently if I was apart of that 1% that DOESN'T celebrate Christmas, but I think it's crap that we try to appease the minority at the expense of the majority's tradition. The biggest arguement for the minority in this situation is the media is pushing their religious beliefs on them.

R-religous beliefs!?!

Take a good gander at American society today? Are we religious? Is Christmas about Baby Jesus, the miracle, and mangers in the middle of the fucking desert? NO! It's about BUYING CRAP NOBODY NEEDS! That's what Christmas is today! So, if you try the 'pushing of beliefs' thing, you're obviously an anti-capitalistic commie. If so, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY, RED!

Another one that gets me is "Hyphenated Americans". Now, Teddy Roosevelt himself said these were bad to have. Of course, this was in a time of imperialism in Europe and having _____-Americans living right next door to us, claiming allegiance to both countries, scared the daylights out of us. Let me give an example: African-Americans. Remember back in the early 1800, we had the American Colonization Society? No? Well, we did. Their aim was to ship free slaves back to Africa. You know why it didn't work?

THEY WEREN'T AFRICAN!!!

Most hyphenated Americans are born on American soil. You kinda lose the allegiance when you have very little to do with the culture. The color-coded system was much easier. Black, white, red, yellow, brown. Here's the thing: Americans understand colors. That's why red means stop, green means go, and yellow means elevated on the "The Terrorists Are Gonna Kill Us" Scale.

Now, I know saying the n-word is bad. Heck, it's so bad, I don't even want to type it out! I'm not saying we go back to that. What I'm saying is that we need to stop before this gets out of hand and we continue trends like what we do for deaf people. Apparently, deaf people didn't mind being called deaf, but then somebody said we need to start calling them "hearing-impaired". Deaf people got pissy, used sign language to tell each other how pissed off they were, and now some are reffered to as "hard-of-hearing". NOW they are getting pissy about that!

FUCK YOU, DEAF PEOPLE!!! You are deaf! African-Americans are black, the holidays are Christmas and Hanukkah SEPARATE, and Kristie Alley in those Pier 1 commercials is FAT!

>_<

RamblingSimon Rants About: Jesus

2007-08-16T17:29:00.001-07:00

Oooh...religion.

I've actually presented this issue to my friends numerous times, but it's always been a thought in my head. People and nations have that human tendency to study religion, learn the doctrines, and start shit with people of other religions. It's human nature to say, "your opinion sucks big, floppy donkey dick; join my church!"

Now, let's focus on Christianity to specifically for one moment. From what I can gather, God is the creator and Jesus is the son of God in all divisions of that religion (there may be a few I'm forgetting about that think otherwise...never know with those crazy-ass Presbyterians). I think people get WAY too touchy when it comes to who's right and wrong as far as the different sects of Christianity...and then you have atheists who don't even acknowledge Him and His son (I think it should be 'Them' with the big 'T'). No matter what you believe, there's one piece of common ground we should all be able to agree on:

If God, the supreme, powerful ruler, is the father of Jesus Christ, Jesus should have sweet superpowers!

I mean, think about it! God had the power to cause floods and plagues, create the Earth and the heavens, and set fires to bushes..although, that was only during his more youthful and rebellious arson years. You'd think that'd transfer over to Jesus a bit. Sure, he walked on water and turned water in to wine and resurrected Lazarus like 20 or 30 times, but that's small potatoes! If you look at the father-son relationship in mythology, you can see that Hercules had some of the powers of Zeus, and Luke had the powers of Anakin. Jesus prolly had a few tricks up his sleeve that he never shared. That whole 'turn the other cheek' thing keeps you from finding sinners and using heat-vision on them.

I bet he could fly...or turn invisible...or communicate with fish........wait, no...that's actually the lamest superpower known throughout the universe. Aquaman was just a merman who wanted to be cool with the land-dwellers, so he claimed to be a superhero...

Even if you think I'm crazy for saying all of this, you have to admit that Jesus would have inherited abilities from his father that could've been used for destructive purposes if he felt it necessary....although, he could've just turned the water in a man's bloodstream into wine. I'm pretty sure that'd kill you, or just give you a nasty hangover and possibly crabs the next morning.

RamblingSimon Rants About: Death

2007-08-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

We've all experienced death some point in our life. Either our dog tried to play chicken with an oncoming vehicle and went out hardcore by not backing off, or maybe a grandparent passed away from natural causes (Also known in many other cultures as "Being Really Fucking Old") In 2002, about 57,029,000 people had caught a bad case of death and failed to report it to their family physician. Those poor souls learned their lessons!

In that year, the number one cause of this was heart disease. About 29% of the people who died in 2002 died of it! About 19% died of an infectious disease and about 12% died of cancer.

Now, this is just my opinion, but GOD DAMN, THAT'S BORING!

I shouldn't say I have my death planned out, because I don't, but I have a strict policy about HOW I die. I refuse to be one who submits to natural causes. Disease is not the way to go. That's one of the lamest forms of death! The hospital bed is so depressing. It's also becoming too cliché. Who wants to die in a common death? That's why gunshot wound is also another way I don't want to die. You hear about it all the time in the news because someone slept around with some guys wife and whatnot! In fact, if the War on Terror doesn't make progress soon, I'll have to make sure not to die of a fiery explosion from some suicidal maniac. I swear, that's the main headline at least TWICE A WEEK! "[Insert Number] People Died From Bombing in [Insert Middle Eastern City]". IT'S OLD NEWS! GIVE IT A REST!

If I did have to choose the way I die...I'd still say impalement, like I have for many years. Oh sure, it'd hurt like hell, but if I was just going for my morning jog in the park and all of a sudden some random guy SKEWERS me with a javelin, that'd be worth it! This is the last memory people will have of you. If it goes through you just right, you can say something cool like, "Et tu, brute?"

Go against the traditional forms of dying! Go out with a bang! No suicide! That's cheating!!!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Z-Day

2007-08-16T17:27:00.002-07:00

This is a very important rant. I've noticed that many people are living with out worry, too lax for their own good. They don't realize that this lifestyle could one day get them killed. To not be prepared for the future danger could be a fatal mistake.

I'm obviously referring to Z-Day, the morning where the dead rise to feast upon the flesh of the living.

It is absolutely vital that people have a Zombie Plan. People scoff at the idea of its necessity, but it's foolish to go about your daily life and not be on your guard, ready to spring into action at a moments notice when zombies come walking down the street....or would they walk? You also have to factor in the many different theories from the different sources. Some films portray zombies as slow due to rigor mortis, while others express their motion as human-like. As far as intelligence, it is mainly speculated that the brain functions on the focus of basic instinct of survival, although some believe that the zombies resemble toddlers in the way that they actually learn in a 'trial and error' fashion.

Don't forget about how the epidemic is spreading! This is ignored sometimes...a deadly error. For saftey reasons, don't drink the water! It could be contaminated with a virus. People think that it spreads purely by scratches and bites from the zombies. Always stay on top of the situation!

I'll admit, my zombie plan isn't fool-proof. It has its flaws, but there are factors to keep in consideration when constructing a Zombie Plan: Group Size, Location, Supplies, Communication, Entrances/Exits/Windows, Weaponry, Barriers, and Food.

In my Zombie Plan, I'd be apart of a group of 4: someone who is knowledgible in the subject (preferably TJ), someone who is able to provide basic first aid (preferably Nikki), and someone who is able to use a weapon accurately and is strong (preferably Donkey). In my opinion, one of the best housing areas would be our very own auditorium. If you think about it, the booth alone provides essential protection and provides supplies, communication (The 4th floor is a great place to signal evac squads), and barriers (those old choir risers would be excellent for barricading the doors!). Weaponry becomes a small issue for long-range defense, but the endless amount of blunt objects is nice for melee attacks. The biggest flaw is food. Even in the best case, the halls of the school would have zombies lurking about. If no food is brought up, a team of two would have to be sent out to grab munchies from the vending machines. Dangerous, but no plan is perfect.

I have a job for my readers: establish a Zombie Plan. I want the most survivors possible when the outbreak hits.

If you need more examples, here's Red vs. Blue's 3 minute Zombie Plan PSA.

RamblingSimon Rants About: World Problems

2007-08-16T17:27:00.001-07:00

So, I was driving to McD's today, when I started listening to NPR because everyone plays crappy music. There was a debate on the issue of gay marriage that caught my attention. There was a priest and a gay man discussing the issue. I only got to listen to about 2 minutes of it, but it made me think about the different problems of the world. Many issues are so two-sided, it isn't funny. Take gay marriage, for instance. You either say, "They should be allowed, it's not anyone's place to dictate how other people live", or you say, "These people are sinners corrupting our churches! BURN IN HELL!!!!"

Why can't we look for a third option. In my opinion, both of those are wrong. The religous statement is WAY too closed minded and while the liberal opinion is a step in the right direction, it falls too short to solve the problem. The real solution isn't that it should be banned or it should be allowed; it should be that all marriages should be banned. Simple as that! Everybody wins because everyone loses!

Applying the three-sided debate to an issue can really help make a difference. In fact, I have a solution to ONE issue that will solve ALL issues altogether. The answer lies in the controversial issue of abortion. Again, a two-sided debate: you are for it or you are against it. This issue is VERY similar to the gay marriage issue where I can copy and paste the two arguments of the issue from the first paragraph down here. And once again, both issues have their own social and political standpoints, but nobody seeks an alternative. I have the solution to this problem and it DEFINITELY ISN'T either of those two! Screw being Pro-Life or Pro-Choice; I'm Pro-Abortion! That's right! Abortions should be 100% MANDATORY in ALL situations!

The results will be phenominal! In 25 years, overpopulation will be scoffed at; pollution, crime, drugs,and the amount of teen mothers supporting children grinding total strangers at a strip club will be at an all time low; and the environment will start to prosper once again! In a century, there will be no more wars, no more starvation, no more crimes, and no more suffering. The Earth will truly be a better place!

We shall start the movement now! Hell, get knocked up right now! Just put the abortion on my tab!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Nurses

2007-08-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'll be the first to say it....I know about as much about nurses as I do about Catholicism, screamo music, and craps (ok, ONE casino game I DON'T get....besides penny machines. Those suck). Nevertheless, I shall attempt to rant about nursing students.

Now, my lovable stepmother is a nurse. She's a CNA with Metron. She went for a year of schooling at like a community college and did a two-week class with Spectrum. She said she was going to be a RN, but it was too much responsibility and she doesn't want to deal with needles and blood. What a wuss. Now for people who have no idea what CNA and RN....well, join the club. Just think of Animal House: CNAs are new college students and RNs a fraternity leaders. And all the CNAs are Kevin Bacon, just so I can listen to them all say, "thank you, sir, may I have another?"

Now, RNs think they are the shit, what with more responsibility and drawing blood and making CNAs clean up when someone soils themselves. But even when you have awesome power like that, there's also problem areas to factor in, like patient relations, for instance. I don't mean if you get too attached and they move out or pass on. No, what they think of you. For female nurses, having male patients has to suck. You get a good looking nurse who is in charge of looking you over, the fantasies and scenarios running through your head could be absolutely boundless. Of course, I always get the unattractive ones...which is kinda a letdown. Now, nurses are amongst the top of the list when it comes to sexual fantasies, along with business women, librarians, schoolgirls, rodeo clowns, and secretaries. How is a nurse supposed to feel comfortable knowing that the only thing on a male patients' mind is "SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX." Granted, that's usually what's ALWAYS on our minds, so they just have to deal with a little more of it, I guess.

And what about male nurses? You don't hear women thinking about that cute nurse standing right next to that man who earned a Ph.D. In fact, I think male nurses are amongst the most UNDERRATED of all professionals! Sure, they didn't go the extra mile to be a doctor, but there's cooler things about being a nurse than a doctor. I like my nurses. They deal with patients on a more personal level. Doctors usually piss me off because they get you, do their work, and go on their way...doctors are more or less VERY EXPENSIVE hookers, who just leave you feeling bad after it's over. Nurses take care of you! GIVE MORE RESPECT TO THE MALE NURSES!!!!

Now...I've rambled on for quite a while and I seem to be lacking a point. I guess all I really have to say in closing is this:

I WANT A HOT NURSE FOR ONCE!!!!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Banana Phone

2007-08-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring....BANANA PHONE!!!!

Ok, Raffi's Banana Phone song. If you haven't heard it, stop reading this, go to YouTube or Limewire or something, and listen to it. It's awesome. If you are just returning, have heard it, or haven't heard it and you are just being a giant douche, this rant is about that song.

Now, the song makes no sense...or does it? It is my belief that there are strong overtones on the subject of nuclear proliferation. Think of the times. Raffi was born in 1948, during the Baby Boom era. Sure, he was Canadian, but who gives a damn! They were still apart of the baby boom, dammit! Anyways, growing up in Canada, he became quite acquainted with anti-Soviet propoganda during the height of the Cold War in the 50s and 60s. Easily influenced, he secretly became a War Hawk, believing in the 1980s that the best way to go was to bomb the hell out of those bastards overseas! What can I say? He's a guy. We get turned on by blowing shit up.

Anyways, let's jump ahead to 1993. Early in the year, Bush Snr. signed the START II treaty with Russia to lower the amount of nuclear arms. This was bad for Raffi. He wanted us to keep sending nukes out to blow shit up! So what does he do? He single-handedly tries to restart the Cold War! In 1994, he comes out with Banana Phone. Where's the connection? His plan was to get kids to walk around the house with a banana to their ears going "BOOP BOO BA DOO BA DOOP" and scaring mothers into thinking the Soviets were sending coded messages to their children using fruit, hindering all treaties futile, increasing tensions between the two nations, and increasing the amount of nukes produced to send around the world!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA

Unfortunately, that's an incredibly stupid idea and it never took off. Fucking Canadians and their stupidity....I mean seriously, who drinks milk from a bag?!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Hopscotch

2007-08-16T17:23:00.000-07:00

Hopscotch. Now, people immediately think this is a sissy game played by 2nd grade girls in the elementary schoolyards. Well.......actually, they'd be right. It is a game played by 2nd grade girls in the elementary schoolyards. This 'sissy' factor I have to contest, however. The roots of the game date back to the Roman empire, where children would create a grid on the ground and add a scoring system while imitating the actions of soldiers training to get used to the full armor and field packs.

In modern times, only one man has had the balls to revolutionize this game: Steve from Blues Clues. That's right! Don't believe that crap that floated around; he went to college! While he was there, he joined the hopscotch team. This would change history forever. When word got out that a man had joined the team, men everywhere felt inspired to do the same! In fact, many variations to the game were made once the craze hit spots like Boston. In Irish pubs, hopscotch is a popular drinking game where each mess up would cause that person to drink a pint. Course, games would typically only last about 5 minutes before things got out of hand and people just started beating the hell out of each other.

What I'm really trying to say is this: Steve from Blue's Clues kicks ass!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Chinese People Vs. Domestic Animals

2007-08-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

When Bob Barker ended one of his episodes of The Price is Right, he reminded viewers to control the pet population by getting dogs spade or neutered.

The Chinese are no different.

In nature, the animal population is controlled by many factors: disease, famine, war, cults subjecting followers to drink punch with arsenic in it. The Chinese are doing us a favor. If it wasn't for these wonderful people paying immigrants with slave wages, society would crumble. The streets would be covered in animals. Even worse, they'd start to grow intellectually. Pretty soon the US would be like the Manor Farm and we'd all get kicked out by the animals. Then they'd create Animal Farm and have leaders based off famous figures from the 1940s and we'd be drowning in symbolism left and right.

Plus, the Chinese make dogs and cats taste YUMMY! So all in all, the Chinese are responsible for keeping us satisfied at the top of the food chain.

RamblingSimon Rants About: Bestiality

2007-08-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

Bestiality is an issue for many people. Why? I don't know. Maybe they just got molested by the family dog as a child. Maybe they just aren't into donkey shows. As far as I can tell, some people are really, really, really, really against bestiality. As for myself, I'm not sexually attracted to my dog, Madison, or any non-human for that matter, but some people are and I guess I'm cool with that to some extent. I read an article once about a guy who has sex with dolphins....

...I've always been curious as to how you'd have sex with a dolphin...and the differences between that and a woman.

But back to the guy who fucks Flipper. He goes on about his relationship with dolphins. He descibes his encounter with intimate detail that he feels something special for the creature. It's not just an object of lust, but his feelings are more nobel, sincere, and honest....which makes it a little less fucked up, I guess.

I guess all I'm really trying to say here is bestiality is only ok if you get the other animals consent. If you don't, it's rape. And rape is not cool in my book. Neither is the Kool-Aid Man. Busting through walls, thinking he's the shit and all....

Dolphin Sex: http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html