RamblingSimon Rants About: Gay Animals

While most people worry about if the homosexual community will be given the right to marriage in the United States or if God will lay down His Almighty Judgement first, there are some who are noticing deeper threats to the natural balance. Just ask Michal Grzes.

A recent Reuters article states that Grzes, a Polish politician, has criticized his local zoo about an elephant it had gotten. Not just any old elephant. This one is a GAY elephant.
















Ninio, the 10-Year Old Elephant who's been ousted from the closet, was acquired to mate with the female elephants. Unfortunately, Ninio's trunk doesn't swing that way. Grzes told reports last Friday, "We didn't pay 37 million zlotys (7.6 million pounds) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there."

It's quite true, really. Many zoos typically operate under a type of "Don't Ask; Don't Tell" policy, much like the military and Equal Housing Lenders. Some zoo keepers will debate, however, that homosexuality is not the same in animals as it is in humans. According to crazy zoologists, elephants will engage in same-sex activities, such as mounting, as a way of showing companionship. That it shows a bond between the two elephants. Sounds pretty gay to me.

I applaud Grzes for bringing this issue to the forefront. While this doesn't pose an issue for the ignorant masses, let me just ask you one thing: What is the American Dream?

The answer should be quite simple: A spouse, two or three children, a nice two-story home, a white picket fence, and a dog to watch over everyone. Now, imagine that vision crumbling. Why?















This. Your dog has caught 'The Gay'. Animal homosexuality will turn sour for the American family. How can we have our kids be around such a negative influence without them turning out just as bad? In fact, how can we let our straight dogs into dog parks if liberals are bringing their gay dogs to play? Poor, innocent Rover will get violated by Fufu. Rover will start to develop a lisp in his bark and will want to wear a cute bandana everytime he gets a haircut.

As 'The Gay' spreads, more and more neighborhoods will see a rise in this kind of behavior. The family unit will fall apart, and the United States will be doomed, all because of gay influence from animals. If it weren't for heroes like Grzes, we wouldn't have a means to tell animals it's not okay to have a choice in what makes you happy, unless the choice is 'conformity'.

RamblingSimon Rants About: Moving To Canada

I'm certainly not the first one to rant about this. In fact, 'Stuff White People Like' did earlier this year.

With the election going to Obama for the presidency and the Democrats for both the House and Senate majorities, Republican supporters have had a bad week. Sure, there's always the Palin ticket 4 years from now, but that's such a long time for them to sit around while the Democrats drive this country into the ground. So, what can they do until it's time to vote again?

The solution: MOVE TO CANADA!

Yes, our Mountee neighbors to the north will be the Promise Land for the sore losers--I mean, those that were upset by how the election turned out. But one question to ask is this: "Why Canada?"

I mean, as stupid as moving into a new region because of government leaders sounds, it doesn't make much sense this time around. I kinda understood it when Democrats were bitching about President Bush, but with the tables turning against the Republican party's favor, it seems a small number of them are picking up where the Democrats left off.

Now, for those that don't have any clue of my view on humanity is, it's this: people are uneducated and stupid. For a brief moment, let's look at where Canada stands on some key issues...

• Taxes: In Canada, the federal Sales Tax, also known as the Goods and Services Tax, is 5%. However, there is also in some provinces called the Provincial Sales Tax, which ranges from 0% (Alberta) to 10% (Prince Edward Island). The two combined, known as the Harmonized Sales Tax, is on average almost 12% on most goods and services purchased.
• Same-Sex Marriage: In July 2005, Canada legalized same-sex marriages, with the Civil Marriage Act, becoming the fourth country to do so. Between June 2003 (when Ontario legalized it) and October 2006, there were over 12,000 same-sex marriages contracted in Canada.
• Marijuana: Medical use of cannibis is legal in Canada. Cultivation is also allowed by those who use medical marijuana. A poll taken in 2008 estimates that over half of Canada is for the legalization of marijuana. The legal status differs between different sections of Canada, but it seems that it is mostly tolerated.
• Abortion: While some non-legal obstacles exists, Canada is one of the few nations that has no legal regulations on abortion. Provinces have control over accessibility and policies.
• Health Care: Universal health care system (Health care is publically funded).
  

For the most part, these policies go against the GOP typical platform. Even the death penalty was removed in the 1960s (sorry, Texas). In the end, conservative America needs to find a new Haven, one that makes them sound less stupid when they bitch the next time their candidate loses.

RamblingSimon Rants About: The Afterlife

The idea of Heaven and Hell recently has made me think that they aren't so great. Really, they are waaay too extreme.

On one side, you have Hell, the home of all the sinners. This place is a house of pain, suffering, brimstone, fire, demons, and the guy who shot John Lennon. Not all to pleasant. No, this is the worst of the worst.

Of course, Hell is supposed to be portrayed like that. It's supposed to be the least fun you'll ever have, so it makes Heaven look better. But really, it doesn't seem all that great to me. If you think about it, Heaven is a place reserved for all the religious right-doers of the world that give to charity and don't kill homeless people. That still permits plenty of people. Still, from a societal standpoint, not all the people are favorable.

Westboro, for instance. Baptist community. Very religious. Bunch of crazies. Having to share Heaven with this group alone dissuades me from living a righteous life. I'll take red pitchforks to the back if it means not listening to this group.

Even if God was a sensible creature and banished the lot of them to the BOTTOM OF A VOLCANO, you still have all the other people that annoy you during your everyday life. Maybe it's just me, though. I usually have problems dealing with obnoxious people, and arrogant belief-pushers that will spend the rest of eternity gloating about how THEIR VIEWS on the afterlife were right on the money would get on my nerves pretty quick.

It's really the whole concept about Absolute Utopia vs. Absolute Distopia that, in the end, disturbs me. Neither of those options sound good to me! I'd rather settle for a middle ground than a perfect world. Occasional turmoil in everyday life spices things up. Where's the fun in everything being great ALWAYS?

I guess we could always be ghosts and haunt stuff. That'd be cool, too...

RamblingSimon Rants About: What Mythbusters SHOULD Do...

The myth that they should bust would require millions of dollars in investment, a plot of land in the middle of nowhere, a large airplane, and a few years of construction time. The goal would be to construct a large building, roughly 1300ft in height (I'm sure you could work with a building half the size, but stay with me).

The goal would be to answer conspiracy theorists questions for the last 7 years and recreate the events of September 11th via simulation. The team would evaluate observations from a simulated plane crash and compare it to footage that we have of the World Trade Center. The data that would need to be gathered would be based on the outcome of both the plane's impact, the structural integrity, and the collapse of the building itself.

You could even liven it up a little! Throw Buster in the cockpit...or, better yet, Auto, from the movie, 'Airplane!'

Of course, a team would NEVER do this, due to financial and ethical reasons, but it would answer the question of if the collapse of the building was secretly a controlled demolition, or if a building actually would fall like that it did if you rammed a Boeing 747 up it's ass...

RamblingSimon Talks About: Summer Blockbusters '08

Another Summer, another reason to pony up cash at the local cinema (not to mention outrageous prices at the concession stands). This year is going to be pretty interesting, compared to last year's Sequel-fest. There's a lot of interesting films making their way to theaters this Summer, (unfortunately, some that I'm looking forward to don't look like they'll be making their way to my small town in the middle of nowhere). So here's a list of a few movies being released this season that I think deserve some mention [Summaries courtesy of IMBD.com]...


Son of Rambow (5/2):

[Set on a long English summer in the early 80's, Son Of Rambow is a comedy about friendship, faith and the weird business of growing up.]

Ok, so this film already came out earlier this month. I saw the trailer for this a few months back and thought it looked really cool. It's these kinda unpopular kids who see 'First Blood' and want to make their own sequel to the movie, and they start getting more recognition by their peers. Seems pretty feel-goodish.


The Tracey Fragments (5/9):

[15-year-old Tracey Berkowitz is naked under a shower curtain at the back of a bus, looking for her little brother Sonny, who thinks he's a dog.]

It's sad to see a movie that looks promising getting bad reviews from critics. Ellen Page plays Tracey in a movie that looks very dark, and quite original.


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (5/23):

[Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.]

Soviets instead of Nazis? WTF?! I was not looking forward to this movie, but my love for Raiders of the Lost Ark, along with liking Shia LeBeouf as an actor, is going to drag me to seeing this movie in the end.


War, Inc. (5/23):

John Cusack takes what works for him in his typical love story movies, and uses the setting of a Middle East nation, as Cusack plays an assassin hired to kill an oil minister. It looks absolutely ridiculous and Hillary Duff plays a sexy Middle Eastern pop idol. What's not to love?!


The Happening (6/13):

[A paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity.]

Marky Mark takes lead in this M. Night Shyamalan film about a mysterious phenomenon causing people to kill themselves. Looks spooky, and loads of fun! A GUY FALLS IN FRONT OF A COMBINE HARVESTER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!


The Incredible Hulk (6/13):

This is a title I'm unsure about. I'm not a fan of The Hulk, but a total do-over of Marvel's 2003 crapfest is a plus. That, and I have a slight man-crush for Edward Norton. >_>


Get Smart (6/20):

[Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 for CONTROL, battles the forces of KAOS with the more-competent Agent 99 at his side.]

I remember watching this show on TV Land. It was like James Bond, if Mel Brooks put his spin on it. Actually...that's really what the show was: Mel Brooks' take on secret agents. The movie has Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway. Should be a good combo.


Wall-E (6/27):

[The year is 2700. WALL*E, a robot, spends every day doing what he was made for. But soon, he will discover what he was meant for.]

Pixar. Need I say more?


Wanted (6/27):

["Wanted" tells the tale of one apathetic nobody's transformation into an unparalleled enforcer of justice...]

Over-the-top action movie with Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. Funny thing is James McAvoy, the nobody in the movie, is practically one in real life. This movie could be promising for his career.


Hancock (7/4):

[A hard-living superhero who has fallen out of favor with the public enters into a questionable relationship with the wife of the public relations professional who's trying to repair his image.]

A washed-up superhero movie? Sounds intriguing. I'm still iffy about how the movie will be, but the concept itself sounds cool enough...


The Dark Knight (7/18):

[Batman and James Gordon join forces with Gotham's new District Attorney, Harvey Dent, to take on a psychotic bank robber known as The Joker, whilst other forces plot against them, and Joker's crimes grow more and more deadly.]

I'm a little ashamed by the fact that I didn't even have to look up the release date for this movie. I've been waiting for July 18th to get here for so long! If you can't tell, I'm really anticipating this film! It'll be amazing!


Midnight Meat Train (8/1):

New York photographer stakes out a serial killer who kills his victims on trains at night. Seems like a good thriller movie to me.


The Pineapple Express (8/8):

[A stoner and his dealer are forced to go on the run from the police after the pothead witnesses a cop commit a murder.]

Stoner Flick with Seth Rogen and James Franco. Not a movie for the intellectual mind, but if you can dumb it down for a couple hours, it seems like it could be funny.


Tropic Thunder (8/15):

[Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to become the soldiers they are portraying.]

Big 'Apocalypse Now'-type movie being filmed, actors (Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downy Jr. (who undergoes cosmetic surgery in the film to play the black role)) get involved in actual warfare situations, but think they are in a controlled environment. Zoolander meets Hollywood.


Hamlet 2 (8/22):

[In this irreverent comedy, a failed actor-turned-worse-high-school-drama teacher (Coogan) rallies his Tucson, AZ students as he conceives and stages a politically incorrect musical sequel to Shakespeare's Hamlet.]

Silly business. Nothing more.


A good list of films, plus many more coming out if you none of these picks interest you. Enjoy your Summer at the movies!

RamblingSimon Rants About: Michael Hollick

In the New York Times yesterday, they had this article about Michael Hollick, the voice actor for Niko Bellic, the lead character in the new Grand Theft Auto 4 video game by Rockstar Games.

Because I know nobody and their nonexistent grandmother's are going to click that link and read it for themselves, let me just summarize it. In a nutshell, Michael Hollick got paid $100,000 for his role for 20 weeks of work. Now that the game has grossed over $600 million in the last three weeks, Hollick and other voice actors from the game are coming out to express how upset they are over the fact that they are getting no residuals or royalties from this boom.

For once, I'm not siding with the little guy here. I'm fearing the worst: I might be becoming conservative and pro-big business.

There was no way of determining the commercial success of the game over a year ago when contracts were drawn up. Had the game sales been mediocre, Hollick probably wouldn't have his panties up in a bunch about this. Instead, he's like every other greedy bastard out there who wants another buck. The guy got ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS for talking! I make $7.50 an hour serving food to the general public! No sympathies here. They all signed contracts saying they'd get paid this much a day and not make royalties or residuals. It should have been negotiated beforehand.

Yes, the game is worth much more than $100,000 and had they predicted such huge turnouts he should've been paid more, but that's just it: that's indeterminable! Now that it's a huge success, you can't expect Rockstar Games to willingly pass out free money to voice actors. Yes, some of the money goes into undeserving corporate pockets, but most of that money goes into research and development, to make bigger and better games so corporate pockets can be filled again LATER! Gotta think long-run in that industry...

I'm aware that voice actors do get screwed over in their business, but I also enjoyed Grand Theft Auto 3, when the main protagonist was SILENT. I have yet to play GTA4, but unless his voice is like a gift from the heaven's, I'm doubting it was extremely important to have it, minus making it easier to progress through the game's main storyline. Voice actors are good to have, but they DO NOT play as integral of role to the game as elements such as gameplay and graphics.

This is NOT a personal attack on Michael Hollick or any of the other voice actors. I agree they got screwed over, considering the success of the game, but their contract said nothing about residuals. It sucks, but you guys signed it. Even if it couldn't be negotiated, do you REALLY need more than $100,000, Mr. Hollick?

RamblingSimon Rants About: Relationships

Ok, so it's not truly about 'relationships'. I'm not that much of an angsty, cold-hearted bastard to be claiming that relationships are stupid/shallow/designed to fill the needs of the individual/unnecessary...

Alight, I am enough of a bastard to claim that, but my true rant isn't about that. I'm really here to discuss an important matter that most girls need to learn: GET OVER YOUR GODDAMN EX-BOYFRIENDS!!!

In the last week, I've ran into not one, not two, but THREE girls who got dumped. Terribly sorry for them; being dumped does suck. However, these girls have been utterly depressed since their breakups. Now, at this point, you must be thinking, "RamblingSimon, you villainous twit! Are you saying these poor girls shouldn't be down-in-the-dumps from being dumped?!"

My response to it is that typically, these girls should have been allowed by me to be mopey and whiny and then find a shoulder for emotional support, but none of these three deserve the opportunity.

Focusing on two of the people, my managers at where I work, they got into big fights with their boyfriends and then the boyfriend split ON THE SAME WEEKEND! It's quite a tear-jerker, since they have been dating them for years. The part that boggles my mind is that BOTH OF THESE GIRLS bitched constantly about their boyfriends' douchebaggery for as long as I've worked with the two, and now the two girls can't sleep or eat. I've met one of the girls' boyfriend. He's a societal reject with pink hair, black clothes, no job, and bums money off my manager to support his drug habits. He ended up calling her one night and saying that he was with some other woman in their house. Her first reaction was that she wanted to kill.

Good instinct to have. Unfortunately, all of her anger was, for some reason, set upon the girl that was "coming to their house and stealing her man". How the fuck can someone's mind be warped enough to not feel angry at the guy who's used and abused you for years and tossed you aside for some piece of ass with three children?! Are both of these women just so psychologically fucked up that they need a complete asshole to run and dictate their lives?

Really, move on with your lives. It didn't work out. I know you think the guy is a sweetheart somewhere deep down, but if all of your friends are telling you that the guy is a no good loser, I'm not typically fond of masses of people trying to sway my opinion, but this might be one of those times that you should listen since your brain has turned to creamed corn.